Doug E. Pudge

Created Realities

You know, I was thinking. Did you ever stop to think that sometimes we live in a world that we want to live in and we choose not to live in the real world. There are times that we may be feeling things that are either painful or unpleasant and we just don't want to confront them and deal with them. I don't want to make a big deal about this topic but needless to say that I have been doing a great job of fooling myself and not dealing with reality. I know that being alone for me is something that is very difficult. Combine that with several other stressers in my life and that equals nothing but trouble. I am sharing this tonight because it feels like the right thing to do. I have always been good at stuffing my feelings away and not forcing myself to deal with them. As a result I have chosen to take these negative feelings out on my wife. Yep, the woman that means the world to me has caught all kinds of *%#@!?^ from me over the last couple of weeks. I became extremely loud and yes even abusive. For this I am embarrassed and ashamed. My wonderful bride has continued to love me and to help me seek out some real answers as to what is bothering me. She and I have been through a lot of stuff this year and neither one of us needs to put up with this stuff.

Admitting that you need help is not an easy decision to make. But when you are wanting to pretend that everything is fine and dandy when it really isn't will just lead to trouble. Why am I putting this out on my blog tonight? All I can say is that I need to do it. I have been struggling in a number of areas lately and want to hide these feelings from the world. The more I hide them the worse I feel. Today has been the first good day in a few weeks. I actually felt like leaving the apartment today and really deal with my job. I am praying that tomorrow will be even better. But if it isn't, God is still God and I am still determined to do what I need to do to get better. I love you Rachel but more than that I want to be the kind of husband that I know that I can be. Be blessed beyond belief today.

posted by Doug E. Pudge @ 9:27 PM