Doug E. Pudge

How Am I Doing?

You know, I was thinking. There is so much going on up in my head right now that I just don't know where to begin. First of all after just one week I am already tired of talking about cancer and figuring out what words mean that are releated to this disease that I have. I am tired of answering the question "how are YOU doing?" I just want to go back to being Doug again. Please don't any of you take this as a criticism, it is just part of what I am feeling right now. You all know me, if I feel it I gotta share it. All of you have been so gracious and loving through everything thus far. I couldn't ask for more loving friends or family. Please don't think that I am trying to be tough or strong because I do have a complete understanding of what the implications of this disease are to me and to my family. For the first time yesterday Rachel and I shared our real feelings with one another and we both have fears and shed some tears. Rachels greatest fear is of course losing a husband. My greatest fear is that she will be angry with God if the worst happens. Sometimes I am just too focused on what I am supposed to do with all of this and I lose track of what she must be going through.

I guess I have written all of this to say the following, I am still the same Doug that I was a week ago. I will not let cancer change me or the mission that I have been given. I don't want to die unless that is what God wants to do. If I do live I want to glorify the Father, if I do die I want to glorify the Father. My mission is the same regardless. I will do everything in my power to fight this disease & win or lose I want to glorify the Father. My life hasn't been about me in a very long time and that is not going to change. I do indeed know that "all things work together for good to those who love God, who have been called according to His purposes." I am not thankful that I have cancer. I do not rejoice at all in this disease. I am thankful to spite the fact that I have cancer and I rejoice in the goodness of the Lord. God is good, all the time & all the time, God is good. Even when you have cancer. Be blessed beyond belief today.

posted by Doug E. Pudge @ 7:15 AM